I tend to think of myself as fairly gender-neutral, although I'm female. I'm married to another woman, and she used to call me her "husband" or "hubby" before I realized something about it slightly bothered me, and we compromised on "wibby" as a nickname, wife/hubby. In some ways, I do tend to be masculine, moreso than she is.
I occasionally wear foundation makeup and powder to cover skin problems, but otherwise I probably wear makeup 4 or 5 times in a year. I recently had my hair colored and done up, and it was actually pretty fun, but my favorite hairdo has been when I've had it shaved close to the head (an inch or less) and I haven't returned to that because of comments from others, assumptions people have made (true or not), and some worry that it appears 'unprofessional' for someone my age.
I love painting my fingernails and toenails but fail to upkeep them, so they wind up chipped within a day and the color is taken off then. I usually wear sandals, jeans and a t-shirt for casual wear.
There's a quote from an indie comic that really resonated with me a long time ago about the ladies' aisles at a grocery store, the main character screaming at the products "I'm not fucking deformed!" While the language was a little strong, I did feel the tone reflected my view. I felt a certain pressure that as a woman, I had to change myself in ways men didn't have to (although they could, and then be labeled 'metrosexual') or else be considered gross and inappropriate, even though many of these changes are modern constructs and 100 years ago it was something else that absolutely had to be done or a woman was hideous. It's odd, like the reverse of nature, where males usually are the decorated ones. Even now, despite what I'm most comfortable with, I feel I have to dress in feminine styles and wear clothing that doesn't suit me quite as well for work, interiews, etc.
I do 'woman' pretty well, and I have enough aspects of 'man' that I sometimes think I could pass as that if it weren't for the giant breasts and girly face. I am kind of delicate sometimes, and I'm rather emotionally sensitive. I've done the infamous female "If you knew me, you'd know why I'm mad" thing. But I'm also usually the first one charging into a tense or dangerous situation IRL, and something in the back of my head registers as my being responsible for things, I guess something I interpret culturally as a "male" responsibility. (Mostly health situations here, also a car accident, and once a physical confrontation that didn't escalate too far.)
I guess, to put a long thing short, I feel like I'm both but at different times, and I wish I could express my male self a little more publically. I admire grace and beauty, but I don't connect those ideals with myself (aside from pretty icons and the like.) I feel lucky to live in a time when I can express myself as I do, and I hope that as time proceeds, maybe I can get that haircut again (although after a certain age it becomes professional again for some reason, I don't know.)
A friend of mine recently began gender reorientation from male to female. Since it's her story, I can't talk about it much, but I know how many years she's struggled with the line between her public identity and herself, and I'm so happy for her to be making this change, even if the hormones she's on are apparently miserable business for now. I find it's easy for me to change my thoughts of her from years of 'him' in part because I knew she had a female inner self for these years, but in part because her behaviors are a bit like mine, sort of a blend. A tiny part of me is jealous, but enough of me is a girl that I wouldn't want surgery or hormone treatments to express the male half more clearly. I still like being a girl sometimes.
I wish we all had dials and could switch back and forth at will. That would be the best thing ever.
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timeasmymeasure
Toooooo long
Date: 2008-09-10 05:06 pm (UTC)I occasionally wear foundation makeup and powder to cover skin problems, but otherwise I probably wear makeup 4 or 5 times in a year. I recently had my hair colored and done up, and it was actually pretty fun, but my favorite hairdo has been when I've had it shaved close to the head (an inch or less) and I haven't returned to that because of comments from others, assumptions people have made (true or not), and some worry that it appears 'unprofessional' for someone my age.
I love painting my fingernails and toenails but fail to upkeep them, so they wind up chipped within a day and the color is taken off then. I usually wear sandals, jeans and a t-shirt for casual wear.
There's a quote from an indie comic that really resonated with me a long time ago about the ladies' aisles at a grocery store, the main character screaming at the products "I'm not fucking deformed!" While the language was a little strong, I did feel the tone reflected my view. I felt a certain pressure that as a woman, I had to change myself in ways men didn't have to (although they could, and then be labeled 'metrosexual') or else be considered gross and inappropriate, even though many of these changes are modern constructs and 100 years ago it was something else that absolutely had to be done or a woman was hideous. It's odd, like the reverse of nature, where males usually are the decorated ones. Even now, despite what I'm most comfortable with, I feel I have to dress in feminine styles and wear clothing that doesn't suit me quite as well for work, interiews, etc.
I do 'woman' pretty well, and I have enough aspects of 'man' that I sometimes think I could pass as that if it weren't for the giant breasts and girly face. I am kind of delicate sometimes, and I'm rather emotionally sensitive. I've done the infamous female "If you knew me, you'd know why I'm mad" thing. But I'm also usually the first one charging into a tense or dangerous situation IRL, and something in the back of my head registers as my being responsible for things, I guess something I interpret culturally as a "male" responsibility. (Mostly health situations here, also a car accident, and once a physical confrontation that didn't escalate too far.)
I guess, to put a long thing short, I feel like I'm both but at different times, and I wish I could express my male self a little more publically. I admire grace and beauty, but I don't connect those ideals with myself (aside from pretty icons and the like.) I feel lucky to live in a time when I can express myself as I do, and I hope that as time proceeds, maybe I can get that haircut again (although after a certain age it becomes professional again for some reason, I don't know.)
A friend of mine recently began gender reorientation from male to female. Since it's her story, I can't talk about it much, but I know how many years she's struggled with the line between her public identity and herself, and I'm so happy for her to be making this change, even if the hormones she's on are apparently miserable business for now. I find it's easy for me to change my thoughts of her from years of 'him' in part because I knew she had a female inner self for these years, but in part because her behaviors are a bit like mine, sort of a blend. A tiny part of me is jealous, but enough of me is a girl that I wouldn't want surgery or hormone treatments to express the male half more clearly. I still like being a girl sometimes.
I wish we all had dials and could switch back and forth at will. That would be the best thing ever.